Crap Graf: ‘Bone, Thugs & Disharmony’ by Wally Duchamp

I Fucked Mrs Bones crap graf

This Crap Graf was submitted by a young reader called Jimmy Clarke. He’s a gentleman known as a frequenter of public lavatories for strange amounts of time. Way too long for a number one, a bit too long for a number two, and possibly even longer than you need for a Frankie Goes to Hollywood*. We’re not sure what he’s up to in there, but it has helped him develop a curate’s eye for lavatorial art, and this is very much a curate’s egg.

First, don’t be distracted by the  ‘You!!!’ – an amateur addition, the work of a philistine. Occasionally, interactive crap graf can be a thing of wonder, enhancing or even subverting the original in a way that sends us into post-Barthesian pondering of whether theories of signifier and signified can withstand this postmodern trickery. Or maybe it’s just Mr Bone reading it and realising that it’s his mate Dirty Clive’s handwriting.

Focus instead on the original piece. The all-caps, the lack of cursive and, perhaps most important of all, the frame. This isn’t just an idle boast, a piece of toilet braggadocio. After all, one has found oneself in this watering hole ourself on occasion and have heard first-hand tales of the inconstant morality of the titular Mrs Bone. To merely claim you’ve had congress with  the accommodating Mrs Bone is akin to expecting praise for the fact you’ve just drawn breath. In fact, to adopt the vernacular of the taproom, she’s said to be as fond of balls in her mouth as the Hungry Hippos of the famed board game.

No, this isn’t just bragging. It’s a plaque. A blue plaque, in fact, of the kind that are erected to mark the fact that a celebrated personage once lived there, or to announce that a famous event transpired at the very locale. Of course, it’s not blue, but an artist of the men’s room must work with the canvas he is given. We appreciate that if the wall was blue and he had a white pen, there’d be added verisimilitude, but who has ever heard of such a thing? A toilet wall must be white, we’re not barbarians.

The artist is clearly intending to register his ‘knowledge’ of Mrs Bone for posterity. And not just his own, but also the carnal triumphs of all the regulars. Dirty Clive, Hairlip Harry, Dave the Plumber, Fat Tom, the lot. Even Mr Bone, the poor, poor cuckold.

Reviewer: Robert Hughes-the-man

You can submit your Crap Graf directly to and we’ll pass it to our reviewers, who’ll run their trained eyes over it then try to buy it from us for £50 so they can sell it to a Russian for £80,000.

*Number 1 and 2 at the same time.

Posted by drewhuge